Crossing the Bridge

I had a professor in college who was afraid of bridges. Yet in Portland, Oregon there are plenty of bridges. A person cannot -- very practically -- resign themselves to staying on one side of the bridge or the other. Sometimes you have to muscle up, throw caution to the wind, and go forward. I imagine this was a daily undertaking for her. Perhaps it got easier over time; perhaps it didn't. But she had to cross the bridge.

From the time we are children we begin learning relationship skills. We are taught to share our marbles and our crayons. We are taught to invite everyone to our birthday parties so no one feels "left out." If we hurt someone's feelings we are taught to go and apologize. I remember getting in a fight at school and my mother marching me over to Steve's house to apologize and shake hands. She made me cross the bridge. I didn't want to. But she made me. Sometimes you got to do what you got to do.

It doesn't take rocket science or another episode of Oprah to figure out that we are all just a little different, does it? We come from different backgrounds, different tastes, and different cultures. Race, economy, education, and religion can play a major factor in all of this. So can good fortune and so can bad fortune. About the second day of marriage I figured out that this "until death do us part" was not an invitation to murder. My wife and I were two different people. This was going to take a little work. A little effort on my part. A little relaxing. A little letting go. A little putting up. A little shutting up. Somedays I do better than others. Most days my wife does better than I do. But we learn. We start again. We cross the bridge. We share our marbles and our crayons. We say we are sorry. We invite each other to our birthday parties.

In addition to marriage are countless other relationships that also benefit from the same childhood courtesies: share; apologize; invite each other to your party.

I don't know at what age exactly we stop teaching our children "good habits" when it comes to relationships. I can't really tell you when words like "share" and "you need to apologize" become lesser values than "stand up for yourself" and "don't take that!" I don't know what age we stop inviting everyone to our birthday parties. I do know at any youth sporting event you go to, or church meeting, or some other such activity you will hear "grown up" folks deciding who would do really well, and who wouldn't. And should someone be invited or included whom we wish had not -- we put on the cold shoulder, the silent sabotage, and the like. We share a little less. We apologize a little less. And often we refuse to cross the bridge.

I remember a meeting where people were really acting like knuckleheads. I was very angry and was glad to leave at the end of the meeting. As I drove home I was fuming. I found myself asking, "How long will I be angry?" My question seemed mechanical and contrived, and yet, would I go home and be angry for my family? Was that fair to them? Was it healthy for them? Was I accomplishing anything by my anger? So I said, "I will be angry until I cross that bridge." There was a bridge 500 feet ahead.

You know what? I stopped the car. I was afraid. What if I couldn't really let go of my anger? What if I didn't want to let go of my anger? But in time I had to ask a second, if not more practical question, "Are you going to spend the night here on the road?" If I was to go home I would have to cross the bridge. If I was to go home I would have to let go of my anger.

I am not saying it is easy. I am not saying it is fun. But sometimes it is what you need to do. You need to step back into people's lives. You need to go back to kindergarten. You need to share. You need to include. You need to remember the last really good sermon, or Bible Study, or Oprah show and somehow put it into practice. This is nothing new. It is the same thing we have always known. I know people who argue all day long about how someone "else" should have said it -- how the preacher got it wrong, or Oprah got it wrong, or whoever else got it wrong. I know people who make themselves sick, or sad, staying angry, and separated, and holding grudges. But is it any more "right" to sit still? To stay "mad?" or "hurt?" or "angry?" and on the side of the road? Need I gently say what we know is true? No, it is not...

Here is a mountain man challenge:

• Cross the bridge.
• Call someone on the phone.
• Apologize. Say "I am sorry."
• Ask "Will you forgive me."
• Go face to face or over the phone; do not send a letter -- and do NOT send an email or text message for anything other than to say "I love you!"
• Say "thank you."
• Ask how someone is doing.
• Invite someone to lunch or breakfast -- someone you never have before.
• Find someone you would not ordinarily "hang out" with and share yourself with them.
• Ask to see someone's tongue ring or tattoo.
• Show some interest in a child.
• Affirm someone.
• Send a card to someone.
• Find someone you know is "lonely" and invest in their heart and soul.
• Step into someone else's life.
• Let go of an anger, a hurt, or a grudge. Give yourself a time table. Make it happen. Don't put it off.
• Smile at someone today...

And, while you are at it, help someone to the top of the mountain. I love you. I really do. And it means a lot you would spend this moment with me...Jeff