Parenting 101

When it comes to parenting I am still learning.

I believe we learn parenting best when we help each other. I don't think people respond well to the burden of expectation. I don't think people do their best when you tell them they could have done better. I believe the best way to help people is to pray for them, encourage them, and come along side them. Parenting isn't easy. Don't make it harder for yourself or others.

When it comes to learning my my boys are my best instructors. I am also learning from their coaches, their teachers, and other great parents -- like you! Sometimes watching the way others love my boys reminds me of how I might love my boys. And when someone treats my boys in a way I wish they wouldn't it reminds me not to treat them that way either.

As a parent I have made some real gaffs -- the worst mistakes I have ever made and hope never to make again. This is not just false humility. This is unacceptable and never to be done again. Perhaps you can learn from me. I hope you never make these mistakes yourself, or if you have you can join me in eliminating them from your parent profile:

• I have yelled at my kids while they are playing sports -- as if that makes them feel better or even play better; it doesn't. It is wrong. I won't do it again; you don't do it either.
• I have made decisions for my children based upon what someone else might think of me or what I should do. Terrible. God alone and my wife have a say in what I do or do not do in relationship to my children. Here is a promise: I will never put a burden on you as to how you raise your children. I will pray for you and your children, encourage you and your children, and help you and your children maintain your values. But you don't have to raise your children the way I reaise mine. O.K?
• I have been angry or diappointed during or after a sporting event; I have also been disappointed with their coaches or something beyond their control. This is the worst! Children respond to your attitude and demeanor. If you are happy and pleased they will be, too. If you are not, they will not be. Lighten up. Brighten up. And enjoy the game! And love their coaches no matter what. Your children respond to authority the way you do. Don't teach them something they will regret later!
• I once yelled at my older son so loud and fiercely that his younger brother stepped in to defend him. I yelled, "Why are you defending him! He yelled at me first!" To which the younger brother hollered, "Yeah. But you're the Dad!" Lots of yelling. And you know what? He was right. I am the Dad. My boys learn from me. No more yelling.
• I have brought my sadness and disappointment with life and work home with me. Unfair. My boys get maybe an hour with me a day, sometimes less. They don't need to know I had a tough day. They need to know that they are the most important people in the world to me. They are worth more to me than the last knucklehead who tried to ruin my day.

Now, to God's glory, my children's credit, and your model, I am learning some things, too. These are simple, everyday things you can learn, tweak, adjust, and personalize for yourself. Make them excellent. Make up your own. I believe we call can change. By God's grace and to His glory we can do better. Here are some parenting moves I think that are working out pretty well for me; maybe they will work out well for you, too.

• Except in matters of right and wrong, and matters legal, ethical, and moral, I allow my children a lot of ownership in life decisions -- where they go to school, whether or not they play soccer or hockey, and whether or not they play in the band; don't sweat the little things and don't sacrifice your children to the gods of others' expectations.
• Accept your children as they are: They don't need to fulfill your unmet life ambitions. They don't need to be doctors, Ph.d.s, pro athletes and goofy things like that. There are lots of children who are great at many things and yet feel lousy about themselves. Better to be average, accepted, and absolved!
• Lighten up. Don't worry about lost fishing poles, fumbled footballs, a "C" on a test, and the like. Spend the day with someone who has lost a child and then try to sort out what you need to worry about.
• Live each day like it was the day your child was born. Remember how happy you were. Remember you had no expectations, burdens and worries. Love you kids. Tell them how awesome they are.
• Write letters to your children's teachers, coaches and people of influence -- pastors, Sunday School teachers, etc. Say good things. Say affirming things. Never critique or criticize in a letter -- ever. If you cannot say it to someone's face, don't say it at all. And better never to criticize or critique anyway. These are people who spend more time with your children then you do. They need your love, your appreciation and your support. If someone spends two hours with my boys every night after school, he is a hero to me.

Here's the mountain man challenge: Parnter up with someone. How can you help someone else be the best parent they can be? How can you pray for someone, encourage someone, and help them? I think you are doing a great, great job, and I thank YOU for helping me be a better parent today!

I love you very much. And I love my boys even more!! Jeff on the mountains!